imperfection

i am an imperfection. i do not always have the best attitude, mouth, personality...or really anything. there are days when i want to be left the heck alone and days when i would do anything to not have to be. i don't always say things right, and i don't always pay attention. but, i am grateful for every single stinkin' person in my life and who aren't in my life (both ever and ever again). i found out on friday that a friend of mine died in her sleep...she was maybe 5-8 years older than me. we hadn't spoken in a while, because i am also an imperfect friend. i think about it now and i was able to easily go about my day once i put her from my mind... how horrible to be able to put someone so easily from my mind, especially after they have lost their life. is that all we mean? are we only important while we are here? i do not want to be so easily forgotten. i do not want my daily life to completely overwhelm me to the point where i'm too busy for the important people in my life. i do no want people to be less important to me than things. i understand that life has to go on after death, but i wonder what it says about a person when life is so easily continued after a loved on dies. is it the amount of love you feel for someone that defines the ease with which you move on? i want my own life to be of a greater importance to all who know me than to be able to move on after only minutes of finding out about my demise...i would think many people would feel that way. i would like to think i am about so much more than the hats i wear and the things i do...i want to be about more, but i don't think being less means you are less. i am a sometimes confusing paradox.